After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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