so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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