My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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