Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Bring me that man meat
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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