My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
