I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
