i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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