Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
