can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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