Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
