what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize