This girl is more easily done than said...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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