dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
