Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
