you would pick up someone in the library
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
