Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
