Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
