dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I have fence marks all over my body
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
