She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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