I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
