It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
