I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
