shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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