i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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