Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
