We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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