Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
