ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
