I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
