my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
