What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
