Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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