i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
