i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
