we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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