Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
