Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
