Got a toothbrush?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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