I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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