Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
