I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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