Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
