Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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