Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
