I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He? As in you personified your dick?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
