My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
