This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
