haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
