nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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