I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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