$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
