one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
